OnceWeWereBrothers - reflections on Holocaust

I rarely read books about the Holocaust.  My parents are child survivors of that war, and I heard stories every day, several times a day, about the bombings when the war started, the evacuation, life as refugees in cold wilderness of eastern Russia and Central Asia.  I heard more than enough tales of the misery, the misfortunate of being born Jewish, the divine injustice, the fear, hunger, cold, humiliation, the degrading struggle to survive, what’s new in that story.

I felt oversaturated with Holocaust, too much said and written about it, time to move on.   However, Hashem renews our souls every minute and every hour of every day, and the person who heard the same story yesterday is not the same who hears the story today, and every time we hear the story we have the same questions to the Almighty – why did this happen, where were You, where was I, who was I at that time, in that generation, what have I done that time to cause such terrible horrors, what could anyone possible have done to deserve this kind of punishment? 

The incredible heretical thought that the wind blew into my mind this time was that the God of Israel was seduced by the shallow beauty of the other nation.  The blond blue-eyed straight-featured beauty of the German nation temporarily captured His heart and demanded its tribute in Jewish blood, its gifts made out of Jewish skin, its pleasant aroma coming from the ashes of burning Jewish flesh.  Blinded by arrogant laziness, lost in illusion of domestic security, I have neglected my body and mind, I became fat, ugly and boring, while my beloved turned away to the voice of a siren, the Lorelei, the Rapunzel with long golden hair and fair skin, the innocent Gretchen turned Mephistopheles, the angel turned into an ugly demon devouring everything in its sight. 

The war is over, long time, but there is not much left from me, half of my people are gone, I grew weary and thin, devastated from the terrible blow.  How do we restore our love after this?  Is love ever possible after my beloved tried to kill me, after he tortured me to entertain his cruel mindless mistress?  He was standing by when she put fire to my feet, choked me with gas, forced me to labor in chains, when she carved out my breasts, stripped me naked and laughed at my shame.  Where do we go from here? 

So I said to Him – leave me alone, I need time by myself, I need my space to breathe, to heal my wounds, to listen to the rustle of leaves, to feel the touch of the wind, to see the sun shining through the bare branches, to walk in the snow.  I sought solitude in the mountains of eastern Asia, I found peace and quiet in the words of wisdom of the golden faced serene prophet, who taught me the four noble truths and guided me on the eight folded path, who became my good, kind friend – but he was not my beloved. 

I hear the voice of my beloved in the rustle of leaves, I feel His touch in the southern wind, I see His face in the sun shining through branches, I follow His footsteps in the snow. 

Overcome with longing, I sought after Him, searching wide roads and narrow paths, high and low.  My friends said – watch out, He is jealous and strict, His moods are unpredictable, He will take away your freedom!  I answered – when you truly love someone, when your only desire is to be in His presence, to be close to Him, then you do not want to be free and don't care about your status.

-        How do we get back together?  Where is Your heart now, is there another rival?  After the fiasco with the promiscuous blond, did You turn all the way around to rest Your gaze on the burka clad virgin of Aravian desert, the submissive devotee ready to blow herself to pieces to destroy me without a trace?  You cannot be serious to like that crazy fanatic!

-        You are asking what did I find in the fanatics of the East that you are lacking?  I see the selfless devotion, no questions asked. I see the unconditional love without expectations, joy without sarcasm, sweetness without conceit.  You study my books for your own pleasure, you perform my rituals for your entertainment, you like being spiritual because it’s popular in your high brow barefoot culture, you are using me for your enjoyment  – this is not what I want!  

-          I want your nineteen year old soul, the one that is burning with passion, that is impulsive, emotional, uncontrollable and inconsolable, that one whom you are trying to hide, who has no room at your table, the Cinderella whom you are hiding in the dungeon of your castle – I want her, who is able to love wholeheartedly, without false pride, unbound by ego, without a mask. 

-          She is unbalanced, impulsive, weak, it took me many years to grow beyond her, it is a constant struggle to keep her under control, to achieve some measure of peace.  She disturbs my peace of mind and destroys my life.

-          Does she really? She is you, she is bringing you back to yourself. Do you think it’s the peace of mind that I desire?  It’s not the golden face of Buddha that I want to see through your eyes, but the ruptured soul who carries my word, inconveniently, unconventionally, shocking to your civilized ear.  You want to observe tradition because it is useful, because it glues society together and promotes peace and prosperity, but you’d rather ignore the irrational belief in Me that underlines it like a cornerstone.  That belief, the wholehearted emunah, the stone that your civilized enlightened builders rejected, is the fundamental cornerstone of my tradition.  Please believe that My voice can be heard, My signs can be read, My presence can be felt. 

-          Those who perished at the hands of your German mistress, whom you gave the free reign over your household, they believed in You.

-          The attention that other nations receive, however intense, is impermanent.  Impermanence is actually the main part of their wisdom – the first noble truth, Heraclitus – while My love for Israel is eternal.  Do not lose hope, and remain yourself, do not try to be like them, no matter how well they fare at a time, their time is finite, they come and go with the wind and no recollection of them remains.  Do not change yourself trying to please them.  Imagine Moshe would try to please Korach – boo, Korach does not like me, what should I do, how can I change myself to have Korach as my friend – no, he did not hesitate to stand up for his brother and for My law.  You have to know what’s right and stand for it, that's your test.

-          You want me to drop all guards and love You wholeheartedly, to drop any attempts at appearing rational, civilized, grown-up, sane, to become ridicule in the eyes of all who see me.   Would not You become annoyed?  Would not You get tired of me?

-      Human beings are finite and surrounded by boundaries.  They guard those boundaries from the onslaught of emotions, both love and hate, to protect their fragile ego, yourself included.  My essence is unbound, I am infinite, I am always there for you if you only open your heart to feel My presence.   I want you to release your younger self, and let her passion be a spark that will ignite the big fire of your love for Me, because you are so much more than her.

-          Why are Your lovers always so hateful of me?  Why are they jealous of the first wife of your youth, the one whom you keep leaving in pursuit of new sensations?  They hate me so much, they are bent to destroy me forever, because they all know that Your true love will always be for me, as mine will always be for You, and no matter how much we run away from each other, we always yearn to be together, You and me, in the garden of the world to come.

-      When you wake up you’ll understand that the galut, the separation was an illusion – there are no other nations, these are all forces within your soul that torture or comfort you, deride you or admire.  It is in your power to unleash evil forces when you succumb to anarchy and chaos and chase after false freedoms, when you attach yourself to the forces of nature devoid of my spirit.  It is also in your power to draw the forces of goodwill, to overwhelm the world with outpouring of love, when you sit still and hear, truly hear My word and accept My love, as  My love has always been for you and yours will always be for Me.