On Female Vulnerability

Shavua Tov - The week has started with a number of challenging questions from inquisitive bright minds: Why is it common and acceptable for a public figure to criticize men in front of a large audience, but is a no-no to criticize women?  Have you lately heard criticism of women in general in public?  Are not men overprotective of their women rights and freedoms?  For instance, in an orthodox synagogue most men are trying to be progressive and support women who protest against raising a mehitza (separation barrier between men and women sections of the room) so that not to  put down the women. I don’t always have quick answers to the big questions, but after a few days the batch process in my head brings up some sources worth quoting. 

I’ll start with mehitza – who wants it higher and who wants it lower, who prefers to hide and who wants to be seen.  As with many good questions, I believe the best answer is found in the source – the book of Bereishit (Genesis):

29:10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel, the daughter of Laban, his mother's brother and the sheep of Laban, his mother's brother, that Jacob drew near and rolled the rock off the mouth of the well, and he watered the sheep of Laban, his mother's brother.

29:11. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and he raised his voice and wept.

29:12 And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's kinsman and that he was Rebecca's son, and she ran and told her father.

Apparently Rachel felt that she received a bit too much attention for one day and ran away from too kindly a stranger. 

Contrast this with another episode in the above mentioned book, involving the same man, but a different woman:

30:16 When Jacob came from the field in the evening, and Leah came forth toward him, and she said, "You shall come to me, because I have hired you with my son's dudaim," and he slept with her on that night. 

Should I spell it out or is it obvious that Leah had to come forth because she was the unloved one?  But Jacob does not say a word of disapproval, and neither does the Almighty:
30:17. And G-d hearkened to Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son.

The book does not speak of Dinah’s appearance, whether she was beautiful or plain.  But Dinah is raised by an unloved mother, and that influences what happens next:

34:1. Dinah, the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to look about among the daughters of the land.  34:2. And Shechem the son of Hamor, the Hivvite, the prince of the land, saw her, and he took her, lay with her, and violated her.

Jacob still does not say anything – we don’t hear a word of reproach towards Dinah even in this outrageously disastrous situation.

34:5 Jacob had heard that he had defiled his daughter Dinah, but his sons were with his livestock in the field, and Jacob kept silent until they came [home].

Now about the men being protective of their women rights to stick out – same source, same man:

33:1 Jacob lifted his eyes and saw, and behold, Esau was coming, and with him were four hundred men; so he divided the children with Leah and with Rachel and with the two maidservants.
33:2 And he placed the maidservants and their children first and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and her Joseph last.

It would be ridiculous for anyone to claim that Jacob placed Rachel in the back of the bus to humiliate or put her down – he was the protective husband who was trying to hide his beautiful wife from the predator’s eyes.  The psychotic types don’t usually choose plain women as the target of their aggression, they pick the beautiful ones, so unfortunately good looking women are more likely to be victims of abuse, increasing their tendency to run and hide.  It is hard to judge what is the right amount of attention each one of us deserves, but it seems to me that not only women but people in general tend to avoid excessive attention and crave attention when suffer from the lack of thereof, and that balance of excess vs. lack of attention often determines human behavior. 

We run towards you away from you – the dance of the gazelles described in the Song of Songs happens between women and men, an individual and the world, a man and G-d. 

Now back to the first question, on criticism directed towards men vs. women.  Needless to say, women have greater capacity for love than men, however that ability to love makes us more vulnerable.  We are designed “according to His will” as a more loving kind, endowed with the attribute of loving kindness that enables us to bear and raise children, otherwise human race would not survive. 

This balance of power, love and vulnerability, does not change with time.  We may be strong and successful in the public arena of western society; our higher emotional quotient may enable us to be better leaders; however in our personal lives we remain as vulnerable as ever.  Our success in the world makes men resentful and sometimes vengeful leading to abuse, our illusion of freedom traps us in the uncertainty of uncommitted relationships, we get torn away from our children, we bear the burden of both Adam and Eve, and we remain loving, idealistic, gentle and strong, coming forth and running away. 
G-d loves man through the eyes of a woman – how can a man raise his voice against her? 

Throughout his life and especially at the end on his deathbed Jacob had a few unsavory things to say to his sons, not to spare constructive criticism.  But he never raises his voice against his wives and daughter.  Men have responsibilities and women have vulnerabilities. When Jacob is told that Joseph was torn away by wild beasts, in his darkest hour, it is his granddaughter Serah who consoles him.  The best of our leaders do well by following the example of our forefather Israel to spare the criticism of women and protect our sensitivity.