Gabe and Ellyn's Wedding

As we flew to Dominican Republic I was reading Rabbi David Fohrman's book The Beast that Crouches at the Door and in it I found a perfect passage for the dvar Torah to deliver at the wedding reception.  I wanted to say something special, but did not plan a speech in advance, and here it was right in front of me, flowing from the pages of the book.  The wedding ceremony was lovely.  The bride and groom put a great deal of effort to seal the bond of the Jewish marriage in a way that was meaningful to both of them.  I can only hope that my dvar Torah added blessing to this joyous event. 

Dear Gabe and Ellyn / Garik i Lenochka, honored parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, family and friends.  Michael and I are very happy to be here at this beautiful resort to share in this wonderful, joyous occasion of your wedding.  If you allow me, I'd like to share with you some very special words about love and marriage that I read during our flight to the beautiful Punta Cana.

 

Many centuries ago the Sages of the Jewish tradition wrote words of wisdom about marriage, love and desire.  They taught about two different kinds of desire: the desire to take, that arises from need, or lack, and the more intense desire to give, that comes from fullness, from the overflow of goodness.

 

In a traditional Jewish marriage a man gives a ring to a woman and "takes" or "acquires" her as a wife.  This notion had sparked some heated discussions in our family.  As any good Russian family we raise deep philosophical questions and we are not afraid to argue and discuss them.  This is why I love my in-laws so much, that we never get bored together.

 

Two thousand years ago the Sages of the Talmud also argued and wondered why does Torah state in Deuteronomy "When a man shall take a woman as a wife".  One of these sages was Beruria, a smart and accomplished woman, who made many contributions to our tradition, and was in no way inferior to the great men who were her contemporaries and peers.

 

After many struggles the Sages came to an interesting answer.  They say that when a man is seeking a woman "It is comparable to a person who lost something.  Who goes searching for whom? The person who lost something searches for what they lost."

What is it that a man has lost and is searching for?

It says in the book of Genesis: "And the Lord took one of Adam's ribs, closed his skin, and built the rib that He took from the man into a woman."

When a man "takes" a woman in marriage what he is really doing is taking back his lost rib.

The person experiencing a loss is the one who searches for what was lost.  The masculine desires a feminine because a man understands that he is missing his lost feminine side, and he is seeking to reunite with her.

 

One of the greatest desires in the world, said the Sages, is the desire of the feminine for the masculine.

As it says in the book of Genesis: "And your desire will be for your husband."

What is the nature of this desire?

A woman was created as a whole being, she is perfect. She does not experience that masculine sense of loss within herself, she is not missing anything without a man. Instead, she desires a man out of fullness, it is a desire to share out of the overflowing of goodness. The feminine embodies a mysterious life force and she seeks to give that gift to the masculine. That desire to give, based on  fullness, the desire to share and care for the other, is always more intense than a desire to take based on lack.

 

Gabriel, Ellyn, we sincerely wish for your marriage to be fruitful and lasting, to grow together and to share the strongest bond of true love, to share and to give each other the best that each of you has.

Ellyn / Lenochka, we are so happy that Gabriel has found in you the missing part of himself, and that you have accepted his love and promised to love and care for him, and build your home together. 

We wish you both the best that life can offer.

Mazal Tov!